Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Chosen

     Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

      Remember when you were a kid, standing in a line, back to the wall, as you waited for one of the team captains to pick you?  Dodgeball, tag, capture the flag; no matter the game, that wait was always the worst part.  Nervous sweat running down your face, hands clammy, stomach churning in turmoil.  Names being called, kids leaving the line on both sides...would you be picked?  Would you be the last one standing there?  Did anyone even want you on their team?  Your breaths came faster as you started to panic.  Then finally, you heard your name.  Relief flooded over you, nearly weakening your legs to incapacitation.  Somebody wanted you.  You had been chosen.

       Though I was always one of those whose turn to be picked varied (sometimes I was first, sometimes I was last), I know that feeling well.  That feeling of relief, joy, and pride that washes over you when you know someone wants you after all.  Someone thinks you are worth choosing.  It is also the feeling I get when I read the following passage:

"'You are my witnesses,' declares the Lord, 'and my servant
whom I have chosen, so that you may know and
believe Me and understand that I am He.'"
Isaiah 43:10
 
        This isn't just talking about a game of tag.  This is the God of the universe speaking, and He has chosen me to be on His team.  Lil' ol' me.  Just as the knowledge that I am blessed humbles me, this truth uplifts me and gives my life meaning.  If I ever again wonder what I'm doing here and why in the world God ever chose me, the answer is right there.  He chose me so that I may know and believe Him.  So that I may understand who He is.  If I am working toward that goal, as His chosen one, nothing else matters.  He has chosen me.  I will choose Him.
 
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot."
Psalm 16:5
 
 
 
*If this is your first time reading my blog, you may wonder what in the world this entry has to do with Haiti.  Though I am currently in the U.S.A., planning to go back to Haiti soon, I have felt God leading me to share some of the things He has been teaching me in the last few months.  Most of them might not necessarily have a "Haiti focus" but they are truths that God has used in my life to better equip me for serving in Haiti and wherever else He will call me.  Please read my entry titled "I Am Who God Says I Am" for further explanation.  If you want to read about my adventures in Haiti, please enjoy reading my older entries (beginning in 2009).

Friday, August 1, 2014

Blessed

Friday, August 1, 2014
 
 
"I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me."      Psalm 13:6
 
 
     A while back I read this verse, and it became more of a challenge for me than a praise.  In fact, my immediate response shocked me.  My first inward reaction to the truth in this verse was "Yes, I guess He has, especially compared to 'so and so.'"  "Yes, I guess I am blessed, since this didn't happen to me, like it did to 'so and so.'" 
   
     When I realized where my thought pattern was leading me I forced myself to come to an abrupt halt.  What in the world was I doing?  And was this always my response to the truth that God has blessed me?  The deeper I dug I saw that, unfortunately, this was my typical response.
    
      Why?  Why do I have to compare myself with others to feel truly blessed?  Why don't I feel like He has dealt bountifully with me unless I mull over the trials others are going through?  What it all comes down to, really, is that I have an extremely inadequate understanding of God's grace.  I always have.
 
       Since I was little grace was defined to me as "God giving us what we do not deserve."  What do we deserve, anyway?  Death.  Separation from Him for all eternity.  Sounds a little harsh, huh?  Overwhelming?  Yeah, I thought so, too...probably because it is, for our human minds.  So I always chose not to give it too much thought, 'cause, well, it didn't apply to me, anyway.  I was one of His.  I didn't have to worry about all that stuff that could have happened to me.  I was safe.
 
       That's where I went wrong.  By choosing not to think about where I'd been, where I'd come from, what I did deserve, I'd become calloused to His gifts, undervaluing His blessings.  I didn't recognize His blessings because I didn't understand His grace.  I thought I had to compare myself to others in order to feel blessed.  But God doesn't tell me to "feel" blessed.  He says I am blessed.
 
        So I sat down and began compiling a list of my blessings.  Something I should have gotten around to doing long before now.  It's a long list, and still growing.  I think of more every day.  But you know what?  Even if my list wasn't long, even if it wasn't even a list...even if it only had this one thing: Jesus died for me...as my pastor always used to say: that would be reason enough to praise Him for all eternity.
 
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
 
        That is grace.  I am blessed.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I Am Who God Says I Am

     July 22, 2014

     Years ago I participated in a Bible study that took me on a journey through God's promises and also His character.  Through this study I came to realize that though I believed in God I very rarely believed Him.  Or at least I rarely lived as though I believed Him.  That study changed my life. 

      It still is changing my life, for since I am human, and lack the super power of "remembering-everything-I-learn-the-first-time-around-and-acting-on-it", God is frequently obliged to gently (sometimes not so) remind me of the things I was taught during that study.
 
      One of the truths that I most often need reminding of is that "I am who God says I am."  Contrary to my understanding that He sees me as a miserable failure, a maniac suffering from O.C.D., and socially inept (all ways I commonly see myself), God's view of me is flattering, humbling, and exhilarating.  In fact, to Him I am BLESSED, CHOSEN, ADOPTED, ACCEPTED, REDEEMED, FORGIVEN, and most of all LOVED.

       As God and I together take each one of these truths and break them down, going in deeper, until I can get them through my thick skull (my words, not His) and truly believe them about myself, I would like you to join us.  After all, these are also truths about each one of you, not just me.

       I hope you can learn something, too, and that these little musings will somehow bring glory to the One who inspires them.  That goes along with another truth God has lately been reminding me of: we're not in this alone.  He doesn't teach us so that we can keep our lessons to ourselves.  In fact, He expects us to share them with others...something I have been neglecting of late.  And so, He has told me, it is high time that I again include others in my thoughts, in my life, in my faith, and in my Journal Entries.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Something I don't want to get used to...

Thursday, March 21st, 2013

         As much as I enjoy the privacy and quiet(er) existence the beach property offers, I truly miss the life I grew used to living right among the people of Carries after the earthquake.   I can hardly wait until the wall is finished on the property uphill so we can be over there full time again.  We have men up there clearing the land of weeds and thorn bushes and rocks…it’s coming, slow but sure.  The men are also clearing pathways so we can drive through with the Rhino.  That is what we did yesterday. 
            Piling in the back of our wonderful all-terrain-vehicle (with foam in the tires and 4-wheel-drive, this Rhino is the best thing we could possibly have in this country – we need a fleet of them!), we drove straight up to the foot of the mountain (the eastern edge of our property).  The air is so much clearer, fresher, up there.  When we reached the top, I turned and was amazed all over again at the gorgeous ocean view our altitude provided us with.  The expanse of the land, the fresh air, the breeze, beautiful scenery…it all makes me feel so free.   We took many detours across the land, patrolling, exploring, before we finally descended. 
              We took a different route down than we normally take, straight through the village.  I was surprised when I noticed that I’d never been to this section of Lotboray (Carries) before.  All of a sudden I began seeing lots of familiar faces pop around corners of the cactus fences.  So many of the kids in my Sunday School class, and in Kids Club, lived in this area.  When my brain finally realized what my eyes were seeing, my heart felt so heavy.  No matter how long I live here, I will never get used to seeing the conditions these people live in…especially when it’s someone I see nearly every day.  I was still wrestling with my own emotions, when Kelsey looked up at me with wide eyes and asked, “Is that where Andiana (one of the girls in our Sunday School) lives?”  I nodded my head, hoping that was the first and last question, but I should know Kelsey better than that.  She glanced back over at the blue tarp wrapped around tiny tree trucks, making a square room about 15 x 15, and continued, “But how do they sleep there?  Where do they sleep?  There’s no floor?  Where do they put their clothes?”  I couldn’t find the words, and mumbled something about “in a bed like us” and “probably in a suitcase like we do.”  Kelsey frowned.  “You mean they just sleep on the floor?”  She looked away, and I could tell she didn’t expect another answer.  She was lost in thought.     
                   Kelsey’s lived here even longer than I have, and even she hasn’t fully realized or gotten used to the harsh realities.  For a moment I was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, despair, doubt, conviction, and sadness.  Then as I looked at Kelsey again, and thought of my own emotions, I was grateful.  Grateful God had kept me from growing used to such realizations.  Grateful she is not yet used to them, either.  Destitution, pain, evil, suffering, and most of all ignorance of God’s love and truth, are things we should never be “used to” or come to expect.  I pray that He will continue to keep both of us from becoming numb, and that we can continue to see those around us as people; people who are just like us.  People who need to know they are loved.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Flowers in the desert...

       Like a tiny red flower pushing its way through the dust in a barren, gray desert is a growing, learning, changing child.  God's Word does not return void, and the last two Sundays I've seen that firsthand. 

        One apologized to a leader he'd verbally slighted.  Apologized.  A boy from Carries.  In front of his cronies.  The other appreciated a punishment I'd dealt out...he had disobeyed in Sunday School, and as a result lost his usual privilege of drawing in my notebook or looking at a pictures of a story.  Though he snuck a few peeks when I wasn't looking, every time I reminded him why he'd lost the chance that day, instead of getting angry and leaving my side to sit somewhere else, he would grin guiltily and wiggle back into his seat at my side.  He knew he didn't deserv it, and his subconscious child-nature was begging to be disciplined.  He's not used to punishments like losing a privileg.  He;s used to a belt on his backside.  He's not used to someone being tougher, more stubborn, than him.  He's used to fighting and cussing his way out of situations he doesn't like.

          These things remind me that God is working.  That hearts are changing.  These things remind me that these are children we are working with.  Children that need structure.  Children that need discipline.  Children that need an example to follow.  Children that need to laugh and play.  Children that need to have fun.  Children that need to feel special.  Children that need to be told they are worth it.  Children that need to be loved.

           These things give me the energy to remember to loosen up, to lighten up.  These things give me the energy to stop and take a breath when I am frustrated at the children, and to change the subject instead of just reacting.  To tell that little girl her dress is pretty.  To make a joke and watch them laugh.  To tickle that little boy's tummy instead of lecturing him, one more time, to sit up straight.  To let them be a little noisy once in a while.  To let them grab my hand or lay across my lap when they're supposed to be listening to the lesson.

              Sometimes I start to be afraid that many of the things I been through here have caused me to grow up too fast.  Like I've let life change me, harden me, when I always used to suffer from a Peter Pan complex.  But now I know why God has placed me in a job where I am constantly coming in contact with children.  They do keep you young - it's true.  At least, if you let them.  If you let God speak to you through them.  I'm trying.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

My Disney Life


The following entry is not an all-inclusive example of my every-day life in a third-world country. In fact, it is far from that. The struggles I encounter and the obstacles I face daily require me to search for the roses among the thorns. These glimpses are God's gift of joy that pulls me through each hardship. The attached files include a description of one of these pictures He has given me to keep me looking with eyes of innocence at the life He's given me to live, no matter what may cross my path.



Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Sundays in Haiti

Monday, April 23rd, 2012



        In many ways you may find that our Sunday mornings in Haiti are not so different from yours.  It’s like pulling teeth to get the kids out of bed, washed, dressed, fed, and out the door.  All the Bibles and songbooks seem to have been lost overnight, and no one wants to move quickly after the weekend.  Finally we make it to Sunday School and through the morning service, where we all sit prim and proper in our starched Sunday best, no one guessing what a struggle it was just to make it there.  We have an opening prayer, worship time, announcements, communion, and a sermon, just like you would be familiar with.  When church is over we greet everyone and head home to our afternoon meal.  Pretty normal, right?  But this general overview of a Sunday in Haiti is where the similarities end.


          I forgot to explain why it is such a hassle to get to church on time in Haiti.  The first is water: water we use for bathing, cooking, and cleaning.  This water is stored in a deep reservoir which is kept locked so we can control the amounts of water used each day (since we have to transport this water from a larger reservoir a mile up the road, which we pay to have filled).  Once it is unlocked in the morning and all the buckets are found (a job in itself) either Dee or I has to stand guard as one of the boys ties a rope to a bucket handle and lowers it into the reservoir, pulls it up filled with water, and pours it into a 50-gallon barrel.  The other boys are filling buckets from that barrel and toting the water across the yard to our above-ground tank that holds 100 gallons.  Once that is at least half-way full we are ready to start the day.


           Second is Sunday clothes: the day before was when all the washing was done, but it began to rain before everything was dry, so everyone rushed to gather the clothes and pile them on a bed before they were drenched.  Now it is time for church and we must find the dryest, least-wrinkled (a must in Haiti) dress clothes from the pile for each person.


            Next is breakfast: we do not have a refrigerator, and due to humidity levels and pests we do not keep much food stored overnight.  This means much of our “grocery shopping” for the day occurs each and every morning.  Though we usually try to think ahead and make our purchases the night before, some things, like bread have to be bought fresh.  But on Sundays most of the street shops are closed.  It takes longer than usual just to find some good bread and few eggs to boil.  And though only a handful of us are going to Sunday School, we have to oversee breakfast for everyone (about 25 people) before we leave.


              And then there is the vehicle.  Worst case scenario is that there’s been a gas shortage, and we have to siphon diesel from our generator so we have enough in the vehicle to make it to church (one mile down the road).  Best case scenario is us pushing the truck while Dee pops the clutch ‘cause the battery is dead.  Then we pile into the bed (all but Mdme. Kiki and the kids), since the cab only has enough room for three to four people.  So much for the time spent on our hair and pressing our clothes as the wind mercilessly whips us around in the back of the truck.


                After all that we finally arrive at Sunday School at 8:05 a.m.  Dee takes the junior-high/highschool age class, and I gather all the kids younger than that.  Usually there are about twenty-five of them.  Though these kids are extremely smart and most of them can memorize anything I give them, they are not used to sitting still or quietly.  Much of the class time is spent lecturing those who are hitting the ones beside them, or reminding them that they are not to talk while I am talking.  Using flannelgraph and the promise of stickers or candy if they’re good, I manage to keep their attention for the most part, still wondering if anything is getting through to them.  They continually surprise me, though, when I say a verse and immediately they repeat it back to me, like parrots.  And the next week they will answer every question I ask about the story I told.


                  When Sunday School is over we file into church and sit on the the wooden pews.  Even though sometimes we have to battle dogs, guinea hens, or goats for a place to sit, I love our partially-enclosed building.  During the service I can lift my eyes and see mountains and palm trees, and feel the fresh, tropical air, and somehow it just seems more natural to worship in these conditions. I’ll almost be sad when we finish covering the building with tin and plywood.


                   Another difference about our Sundays is the worship service itself.  Not only is it about one and a half hours longer than most services in the States, but the worship is like nothing I ever saw growing up in my little country church.  When Haitians praise, they mean it.  And they mean it with their whole bodies.  Hands are in the air, voices are raised to the loudest volume, drums are beat with vigor, feet move across the floor and into the aisles as the people dance for their Savior.  This is true praise.  I had really been missing out.


                     Two and a half hours later church is dismissed, and after shaking hands with every single person present, we take down the decorations, sweep the floor, count the offering, and pile back in the truck to go home for lunch.  This time we have a few extras that we drop off along the way.  We sit down at the table to a steaming plate of rice and beans, chicken legs, and cooked carrots.  Not your typical Sunday roast, but delicious nonetheless.


                      I’ll never look at Sunday mornings in the same way again.  I pray that after reading this, your idea may have changed a bit, too, and as you go through your normal Sunday routine, think of us and remember to pray for those we’re reaching, despite such obstacles as wrinkly clothes, gas shortages, misbehaving children, and unfinished buildings.  We know our God is bigger than all of that.