Torn

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

I miss waking before the sun to the sound of the call to early morning prayer meeting.

I miss feeling the rush of warm wind whip my bandanna against my neck while trying not to lose my footing in the back of the truck.

I miss the sound of my piccolo wind chime as a sea breeze stirs its tiny pipes.

I miss sitting at the foot of our mountain gazing across the horizon while the sun dips behind the island in the distance.

I miss children shouting and waving as we pass through their villages in our “machin.”

I miss the heart-wrenching melody of desperate, broken voices raised in true worship of their Savior.

I miss having my sleep disturbed by rowdy puppies and inconsiderate guinea hens.

I miss waiting in line for three hours outside the bank just to cash a check.

I miss the devastation and despair of the circumstances contrasted so drastically against the real joy and hope reflected in the faces of the people.

I miss holding hungry babies, hugging little girls starved for affection, and laughing with young boys as we chase a ratty soccer ball across the thorn-ridden dirt.

I miss my Chaco tan.

I miss the unknown we faced every day.

I miss being called “Docteur Shaina” just because I always had Tylenol, Band-aids, and Peroxide on hand.

I miss the excitement of opening and MRE and finding M&Ms inside.

I miss eating rice and beans every day for every meal.

I miss struggling to find just a moment to myself.

I miss hearing my name called across the yard for no real reason…they just wanted to smile at me, and for me to smile back.

I miss running last minute errands to purchase construction materials.

I miss feeling the sunshine on my skin.

I miss the incredible warmth and excitement felt when a breakthrough is finally made in a growing relationship.

I miss the countless opportunities to love the unlovely.

Yet…

I am learning to capture and cherish every precious moment with family and friends.

I am learning that a missionary does not cease being a missionary when they are away from the field.

I am learning that people are not as forgetful as I would assume.

I am learning to be still and know that He is God.

I am learning that as I wait, more is happening in the spiritual realm than I may ever know or understand.

I am learning that God is God no matter the circumstances.

I am learning that faith in God must not diminish just because it is “easier” here to do things for ourselves.

I am learning to laugh again.

I am learning that it is okay to take time to rest, to heal.

I am learning again what it’s really all about. And there is no “I” in that at all.