Monday, October 20th,
2014
I stalled and stalled before writing this one. This is a lesson I am definitely still
learning, and not too keen on sharing…not yet.
You see, there’s something in me that longs to feel accepted, but there’s something else in me that is
constantly fighting against that longing…something that doesn’t want to be accepted.
Something that cringes at the very thought. Sounds crazy, huh? After all, what sane person would not want to be accepted?
Well (though I’m sure my sanity could
be a matter of debate), I finally admitted to myself what is causing this
battle and, unfortunately, found that I
am the problem. You see, I have a very
difficult time accepting myself. In case you are wondering why, let me
explain. For starters, I have a few
pretty quirky habits, most of which can chalked up to a slight
obsessive-compulsive tendency. Like when
I walk into a room and immediately notice every slightly opened drawer, door, cupboard,
and container – even when it’s not my own house. And then I sit there, fingers twitching,
until everyone is out of the room and I can go shut them all.
Once I told Kelsey, in trying to
explain the meaning of “O.C.D.” that if anyone ever moved something that I had
put on my desk or dresser – even if it was only a few inches from its original
position – it was the first thing I would notice when I walked into the
room. Well, of course, curious seven-year-old
that she was at the time, she couldn’t resist testing out this theory. Though she did wait a few weeks, to be sure
I’d forgotten our conversation. And, as
I’d promised, to my shame, the book she’d moved was the very first thing I saw
when I entered the room.
Those are just a couple of examples
to add to my list of my more serious issues, like saying the wrong thing at the
wrong time – way too often, not saying anything when I should have spoken up,
never seeming to learn my lessons the first time, and I could go on. But I won’t.
I have a hard enough time accepting myself…I don’t want to convince all
of my readers in that direction as well!
J
Also, this blog entry isn’t about
me. It’s about how, no matter how difficult it is for me to accept myself, no matter who else accepts or doesn’t accept me, no matter
who I am or what I do or don’t do, my God
accepts me. He accepts me, not in
spite of, but along with all of my
quirky habits and faults and even outright sins. You see, that’s why I didn’t want to write
this entry. That’s why I stalled and
stalled. Now the truth is out. If my God, the Creator of the universe and
Savior of the world, accepts me for who I am, who am I to stand against
Him? Who do I think I am, not accepting
myself? I have no reason, no right, to not accept a person God sees
as Blessed, Chosen, Adopted, and Accepted.
And so...since now all of you share in this knowledge, too…I can’t
really keep up the fight anymore…I guess this is one lesson I must, finally,
after the hundred and third class, learn.