Accepted

Monday, October 20^th, 2014

         I stalled and stalled before writing this one.  This is a lesson I am definitely still learning, and not too keen on sharing…not yet.  You see, there’s something in me that longs to feel accepted, but there’s something else in me that is constantly fighting against that longing…something that doesn’t want to be accepted.  Something that cringes at the very thought.  Sounds crazy, huh?  After all, what sane person would not want to be accepted? 

          Well (though I’m sure my sanity could be a matter of debate), I finally admitted to myself what is causing this battle and, unfortunately, found that I am the problem.  You see, I have a very difficult time accepting myself.  In case you are wondering why, let me explain.  For starters, I have a few pretty quirky habits, most of which can chalked up to a slight obsessive-compulsive tendency.  Like when I walk into a room and immediately notice every slightly opened drawer, door, cupboard, and container – even when it’s not my own house.  And then I sit there, fingers twitching, until everyone is out of the room and I can go shut them all. 

           Once I told Kelsey, in trying to explain the meaning of “O.C.D.” that if anyone ever moved something that I had put on my desk or dresser – even if it was only a few inches from its original position – it was the first thing I would notice when I walked into the room.  Well, of course, curious seven-year-old that she was at the time, she couldn’t resist testing out this theory.  Though she did wait a few weeks, to be sure I’d forgotten our conversation.  And, as I’d promised, to my shame, the book she’d moved was the very first thing I saw when I entered the room.

            Those are just a couple of examples to add to my list of my more serious issues, like saying the wrong thing at the wrong time – way too often, not saying anything when I should have spoken up, never seeming to learn my lessons the first time, and I could go on.  But I won’t.  I have a hard enough time accepting myself…I don’t want to convince all of my readers in that direction as well!  J

             Also, this blog entry isn’t about me.  It’s about how, no matter how difficult it is for me to accept myself, no matter who else accepts or doesn’t accept me, no matter who I am or what I do or don’t do, my God accepts me.  He accepts me, not in spite of, but along with all of my quirky habits and faults and even outright sins.  You see, that’s why I didn’t want to write this entry.  That’s why I stalled and stalled.  Now the truth is out.  If my God, the Creator of the universe and Savior of the world, accepts me for who I am, who am I to stand against Him?  Who do I think I am, not accepting myself?  I have no reason, no right, to not accept a person God sees as Blessed, Chosen, Adopted, and Accepted.  And so...since now all of you share in this knowledge, too…I can’t really keep up the fight anymore…I guess this is one lesson I must, finally, after the hundred and third class, learn.